Two Phrases. Same Meaning. Only One Works.

Walk into any grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. Within five minutes, you'll hear a parent say some version of "Don't run," "Don't touch that," or "Stop complaining."

Now notice something: the child rarely changes their behavior. They might pause for a moment, but the instruction doesn't stick. The parent repeats themselves. The cycle continues.

This isn't a parenting failure. It's a communication design flaw. And it shows up everywhere, from grocery stores to boardrooms to summer camps.

The Classic Example

At camp, we have a rule about moving safely between activities. You can communicate this rule two ways:

Option A: "Don't run."

Option B: "Please walk."

Both phrases point toward the same behavior. Only one actually works.

Here's why. "Don't run" tells people what not to do. It leaves a gap. If I can't run, can I jog? Skip? Do cartwheels down the hill? The instruction defines the boundary but not the path.

"Please walk" tells people exactly what to do. There's no ambiguity. The desired behavior is clear, specific, and actionable.

The Negativity Problem

Children hear an enormous amount of negative instruction. Don't run. Don't hit. Don't be mean. Don't climb on that. Don't pick that up. After a while, they're left wondering what they should actually do.

Adults aren't much different. Think about workplace policies written as lists of prohibitions. Don't use company email for personal messages. Don't share confidential information. Don't miss deadlines. The policies tell you what will get you in trouble, but they don't paint a picture of success.

Positive framing flips the script. Instead of defining the minefield, it shows the path through it.

The Reframe Exercise

Here's a quick test. Take any negative rule and try to restate it positively:

"Don't be mean to others" becomes... what, exactly?

The negative version is vague. The positive version forces you to get specific. Maybe it becomes "Greet each person with a smile in the morning." Or "Include someone new at lunch today." Or "Ask before borrowing."

Each of those positive statements is clearer, more actionable, and more likely to produce the behavior you want.

Why This Matters for Leaders

When you lead with negative instructions, you create an environment of avoidance. People focus on not getting in trouble rather than doing something well.

When you lead with positive instructions, you create an environment of pursuit. People have a target to aim for. They know what success looks like.

This is especially important with new team members. A first-year counselor drowning in "don't" statements will feel anxious and uncertain. The same counselor given clear positive guidance will feel confident and capable.

The Shoe-Tying Test

Here's an exercise I use in training. Try explaining how to tie a shoe using only negative statements.

"Don't leave the laces loose. Don't make the loops too big. Don't forget to pull tight. Don't let the bow come undone."

It's nearly impossible. You can't teach a skill by listing what not to do. You have to show the path forward.

Now try explaining how to handle a homesick camper using only negative statements. "Don't dismiss their feelings. Don't call the parents too quickly. Don't let them isolate."

Compare that to positive guidance: "Sit with them. Acknowledge that missing home is normal. Help them find one thing to look forward to tomorrow. Check in again before bed."

The positive version is a roadmap. The negative version is a list of potholes.

Breaking the Habit

Negative framing is easy to fall into. When we see unwanted behavior, our instinct is to name it and stop it. "Don't run" is faster to say than "Please walk."

But faster isn't better. The few extra seconds it takes to frame instructions positively pay dividends in clarity, compliance, and culture.

The next time you're about to tell someone what not to do, pause. Reframe. Tell them what to do instead.

Both phrases might mean the same thing. Only one will actually work.

About the Author

Matt Kaufman has spent 40 years in summer camp as a camper, counselor, and director, studying what makes people belong, grow, and thrive. He writes about intentional community, leadership, and the intersection of technology and human connection.

Connect with Matt:

• Instagram: @mattlovescamp

• LinkedIn: Matt Kaufman

• Website: ilove.camp

Books by Matt Kaufman:

• The Campfire Effect: How to Engineer Belonging in a Disconnected World (February 2026)

• The Summer Camp MBA: 50 Leadership Lessons from Camp to Career