The Chemistry That Bonds Your Team Can Also Poison It

You've built a great team. They finish each other's sentences. They have inside jokes that make no sense to anyone else. They grab lunch together without planning it. New ideas flow easily because trust is already there.

It feels like exactly what you've been trying to create. And it might be the beginning of a problem you don't see coming.

The Shadow Side of Belonging

Oxytocin is the neurochemical of trust and connection. It is the biological glue that turns a group of strangers into a team. I've written before about why it matters and how to build it. But oxytocin has a shadow side that biologists sometimes call the "Us vs. Them" effect.

The same chemical that bonds people within a group can increase suspicion, even hostility, toward people outside that group. The tighter the inner circle becomes, the higher the walls rise against the outsider.

You've seen this play out, even if you didn't have the language for it. The department that won't share information with other departments. The leadership team that rolls their eyes when a new hire offers a suggestion. The friend group at school that is warm and wonderful on the inside and impenetrable from the outside.

At camp, we see it in cabins. A bunk can develop an incredible bond over the course of a week. The campers share secrets. They develop rituals. They create a world that belongs only to them. That is the magic. But left unchecked, that same bunk can become a fortress. The closeness that feels like family to the insiders can feel like a locked door to the camper who arrived late, or the one who is just a little different, or the one who doesn't laugh at the right things.

If your campfire only warms the people who already look like you and think like you, you haven't built a community. You've built a clique.

The Meeting That Creates a Caste System

This problem doesn't require malice. It doesn't require anyone to be unkind. It just requires a leader who isn't paying attention.

Consider a simple scenario: a hybrid meeting. Six people sit in a conference room. They can smell the coffee. They hear the side conversations. They catch the joke that happens between agenda items. They are laughing. The energy is warm and fluid.

Six more people appear on the screen mounted to the wall. They are muted. They cannot smell the coffee. They cannot hear the side comments. They are watching a gathering through a window they can't open. When one of them unmutes to speak, someone in the room interrupts with a follow-up to the joke. The remote person stops talking. Waits. Smiles awkwardly. Mutes again.

The leader thinks they are running one team. They are actually running two. One that belongs and one that watches.

No one decided to exclude the remote employees. The chemistry just did what chemistry does. Proximity builds oxytocin. Shared laughter builds oxytocin. Physical presence builds oxytocin. And the people on the screen got none of it.

Expanding the Circle

Camp figured out the antidote to this problem a long time ago.

At a well-run camp, belonging doesn't stop at the cabin door. The bunk eats at a table with the larger division. The division gathers with the entire camp at lineup. Color War mixes campers across bunks, across age groups, across friend groups. The camp constantly and intentionally expands the definition of "us."

This isn't accidental. It is a design choice. Camp directors know that if you only build bonds within small groups, those small groups calcify into cliques. So you keep layering larger circles of belonging on top of the smaller ones. The bunk is a family. The division is a neighborhood. The camp is a city. And every camper belongs to all three.

The same principle applies to your team, your company, and your family.

If you've done the work to build trust within your immediate team (and that's genuinely important work), the next question is: who's sitting outside the circle? Who joined recently and hasn't been absorbed into the culture yet? Which department does your team treat as an obstacle rather than a partner? When was the last time your tight-knit group made space for a voice that didn't already agree with them?

Fire Can Warm. Fire Can Also Burn.

I want to be honest about something. I've spent forty years in camp, and I've seen the campfire effect work beautifully. I've also seen it fail.

I've heard about cabins where the enforced closeness of camp life amplified bullying instead of preventing it. About cultures where traditions became hierarchies, where rituals became hazing, where songs became tools of exclusion. About campers whose differences were not celebrated but targeted.

The Campfire Effect is not automatic. Any system built to create belonging can be twisted into a system that enforces conformity. The difference is whether someone is watching the fire.

Are the rituals building connection, or are they enforcing groupthink? Is the tradition bringing people together, or is it creating insiders and outsiders? Who is sitting closest to the flame, and who is sitting in the dark?

The firekeeper doesn't just add logs. The firekeeper makes sure no one is getting burned.

One Thing You Could Try

This week, look at your tightest team or group through the eyes of the person who is least connected to it. The newest member. The remote employee. The quieter voice. Ask yourself what it feels like to stand outside the bond your group has built.

Then do something small but deliberate to widen the circle. Invite that person into a conversation they'd normally miss. Reference something they contributed so the group hears it. Make the inside joke a little less inside.

The goal is not to weaken the bonds you've built. The goal is to make sure those bonds have an open door. Because the same chemistry that creates belonging can, if you're not careful, create its opposite. And the person most likely to notice it is the one you're least likely to hear from.

About the Author

Matt Kaufman has spent 40 years in summer camp as a camper, counselor, and director, studying what makes people belong, grow, and thrive. He writes about intentional community, leadership, and the intersection of technology and human connection.

Connect with Matt:

• Instagram: @mattlovescamp

• LinkedIn: Matt Kaufman

• Website: ilove.camp

Books by Matt Kaufman:

• The Campfire Effect: How to Engineer Belonging in a Disconnected World (February 2026)

• The Summer Camp MBA: 50 Leadership Lessons from Camp to Career